Sunday, March 1, 2009

What happens next

For years, I have gone through bouts of panic, fierce and sickening panic about death.  Last night was no different.  Friday and Saturday nights were silly, full of friends, and joyful banter.  In fact, the entire week was extremely enjoyable.  I even fit in some jogging that I've been missing as of lately.  So there was no melancholy state of mind as I went to bed - no possible warning sign, but then as I laid there a string of thoughts exploded creating a very physical and panicky reaction.

And this happens.

I sat there remembering and agonizing over the fact that I will die one day, maybe soon, maybe not.  Probably sooner than I want if I don't shape my physical well-being into something better than it has become in the past three years, mostly the last.  For a moment I felt a sense of relief, like I could add days to my life if I did X, Y, and Z.  The next cogitation that when I do die, it's just all over.  In the ground, the world keeps going, a diminutive part of it mourning for an even tinier amount of time.  I just don't exist.  

Thoughts about what I want my life to be are stronger every day, the fear of what I don't want it to be sometimes more robust, but I'm haunted by the vision that one moment I will be going along in my life and the next moment will suddenly be blank, nonexistent.  

For me, there really just isn't any notion of after life.  There is nothing.  I don't understand how this doesn't haunt more people?  Instead of it motivating me to live life to its fullest, like it used to, it paralyzes me and reinforces nonaction.

It doesn't help that I'm sitting here in Baltimore, counting down the days until I move back to Minnesota.  I don't necessarily know that Minnesota will be this great and right thing, because there is no job there (yet), my own place (yet), but there is a community of people that I assume will make existence richer.  What I don't get is how did I get so far from the words I once wrote a professor in undergrad that proudly stated: the best thing man can do is learn how to be alone and not lonely?  There is no guarantee that the community I think is in Minnesota will come into fruition with my life.  
 
If it does, than will I only be biding my time, letting my deeper, darker fears go unnoticed because I'm allowing myself to fill my mind with different thoughts instead of working this all out?  Is that just what life is, distraction?  Being more alone here this year has opened the door to lots of thoughts that I didn't have time to think about.  In one sense, I'm happy for that discomfort.  The parts of life that I do find joyful feel like a cover-up, because I'm acutely aware of the end.

I want to find some kind of genuine relief for this fear, to be content with the obvious.  But I don't want to find God.

2 comments:

  1. Crazy, I just found this that I wrote in 2002: 5/7/2002
    “Maybe that’s what life is all about. Finding and becoming something you never want to see end, yet knowing that end is inevitable, but it doesn’t matter because you love it so much that you don’t look too far ahead. Ah, yes--- I live for not knowing what tomorrow brings. Live not knowing tomorrow.”

    If you don't want to find God you won't. If you want contentment and freedom from fear, tell yourself you choose contentment and freedom from fear, and it'll come when it needs to. Ah, sorry, this is the yogini in me. But, at least for now, that's the thing I've found and become that I never want to see end.......

    Amy I love you so much! You rock the Earth with your amazing awesomeness! (Maybe you already ARE God the way I'm talking!!) ;)

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  2. Scout is BEAUTIFUL. We envy his shiny coat. And we should visit or you should visit before you move. Let's talk soon about what your spring/early summer looks like :)

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